What is this? What is this so essential but a single key to have a happy relationship? With this secret applied in your life, you’ll be never heart-broken, and you won’t make the same mistakes you were making so many times. I promise.
Before you’d fall in love again, first fall in love…with Yourself. Yes, that’s the Number One Key. (And, it is not a narcissistic love!)
When I say this to my clients, initially they often don’t believe me. It is so simple but so tough in the same time (like many great truths). And yet, there is no other way, no matter how much you’d like to push this truth away.
There are typically two types of response when I say about loving yourself first; one is “Oh my! I hate myself, I want to run away from myself! How can I love myself?! Maybe other people could, but me? No way, that’s impossible!” with following inner negative self-talk.
Another response is “But isn’t it selfish to love yourself?” with following arguments about how love should be all about giving to others and how our world today is all about “me”.
There is sometimes also a third type of response, a sceptical silence with a quarter-smile. Just rejection of what was said, a dead-end of conversation.
All these responses cover a basic wound most of us carry through life – that we are not good enough, that we are more or less but unlovable.
It was a stage in our life – in first few years of our life – when we needed to develop a deep sense of being lovable. This deep sense could be only planted and cultivated by our parents or other caregivers. If they failed in this duty of love (and most parents did, more or less), we would go through life with some sense of unfullfilment.
For this reason – unconsciously or consciously – in adult life we tirelessly seek somebody who would fulfill the need of being loved (or some people would pick up the option of giving up on this search). Finding this missing element would be like being at home – in our hearts.
But since you’ve passed the age of five, if a sense of being unconditionally lovable is not at the core of your heart, feeling lovable won’t be ever fulfilled completely by another person. The hole in your heart might stay wounded open for all your life. Until you commit to be faithful to yourself, and to find how to give love to yourself.
Tracy McMillan speaks about it here:
Tracy McMillan is a television writer (Mad Men, United States of Tara) and relationship author who wrote the book Why You’re Not Married…Yet, based on her viral 2011 Huffington Post blog. She also appeared as a dating coach on the NBC reality show Ready For Love.
I’ll be posting more about finding this missing key; it’s possible to get it if you’re determined enough. Stay in touch.